Who Am I?

May 27, 2019

Besides a child of God… obviously.
But no, seriously Aubrey, what are you doing with this blog? Why a blog and not a book? Are you even a real writer if you have a blog and not a book..or an audience for that matter? How about a podcast? Or a Youtube channel? When all you do is sit and read, why do you think you’re the person to write not only blog… but this blog. 

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
I have hardly ever felt good enough to live a creative lifestyle.
Oops, now it’s not so secret. Shocker.

Those questions, right up there, circumnavigate the globe of my weary brain and never let up. The constant anxiety, depression, and self-doubt are not only debilitating but bone crushing & yet… this is where God has called me to be. I have been trying/starting/ stopping/ quitting/ & restarting this blog…my blog for about three years. God gave me an assignment and, instead of letting me fail and lose the points- he’s waiting for me, very patiently I might add, for me to begin. 

Choose any of your favorite literary heroines, they probably carry some sort of book/notebook combo and have a complex relationship with authority. Hermione Granger (who should have been African American, but Emma did a wonderful job nonetheless) Elizabeth Bennett, Liz Gilbert, Amy Schumer, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Mindy Kaling, Katiness Everdeen, Annabelle Chase, the list goes on but I won’t.

In high school I was constantly carrying around a notebook for books I was going to write, at home I had a diary (under my mattress, but hidden nonetheless) and when smartphones were released; my blackberry, (which is purple and still under my thank-you-very-much) had a locked ‘notes’ page on my phone and I would write out my dreams and fantasies.

It wasn’t until I was “saved” (it’s a Christian thing, check out my ‘About Me’ page for the crazy details) at a women’s retreat in the way north of Wisconsin with running water and electricity (lets not get crazy) but zero cell service, that I started asking God what his plans are for me. Letters upon post-it notes, upon diary entries, upon google doc snippets would clutter my already cloudy brain and finally, I gave in.

I gave in to what God was calling me to be, basically what I already always was. A writer. I am a writer, with no degree. Instead, I will have been in college in some capacity for 12 years. I changed schools four times, majors eight times, career trajectories any number of times. I did a stint in the mental hospital and an 18 month out a patient program specifically designed with uncontrollable mood disorders. I have no degree. I own no property. I live with my mother, I have no boyfriend/relationship of any kind. I dabbled in other religions and sought to prove not that God wasn’t real, he’s here and he left me alone to die.  Here come the knives of self-doubt, not only to render me useless but left for dead. I know I’m being a bit dramatic, but if you’ve ever read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, she talks about the same thing!

Instead of concentrating on how little I bring to the table, I am reminded of scripture and how God doesn’t ask us to bring anything to the table. He just wants us to come to the table, to eat and drink and let Him love us. If you stop reading here, know that that’s Christianity in a nutshell- and anyone who tries to tell you different is an asshole.

My name is Aubrey & I am a writer, a sister, a daughter, a soon to be a web developer, and a half-ass graphics designer. I tell you this because I will talk about it at some point during our tenure. I will also talk about sex, fellowship, relationships (but not married because God didn’t give me that yet) mental health, being a Woman of God, and how I’m living my best life no more than five minutes away from my mother. (I still live with her, trust me, it’s a mood)

I’m not going to tell you what you should do. Because honestly, I don’t even know what I’m doing. What you’re seeing now is me, in my bed, with a facemask on and a cup of tea, and my 7-hour worship music playlist (that is on repeat all the time. Don’t get me started on Christian Rap and Christian Rock)

This blog is not about who I am, but who God has called me to be and how I can share my testimony. This blog is not about how much of a hot mess I am (although it might feel that way from time to time) it’s “instead of looking at all the things that I chose to do and how bad they turned out, look at the things that God has called me to do and after I chose them, how dope life is.”

Life is hard but God is good. Come sit at my table until you’re ready to step out in faith and have people sit at yours.

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